


The Butterfly Effect

by Kei (strawberryjambouree)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Break Up, But first, DEFINITELY EVENTUAL REQUITED LOVE, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and feelings, and fluff, initially unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-05-29 19:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6390622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryjambouree/pseuds/Kei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suga has a boyfriend— and it isn't Daichi. At first, Suga is happy in his relationship, happy enough to come out as gay to the team. But as everything quickly starts to fall apart, where will Daichi decide to stand? As Suga's dependable old friend, or as the boy who desperately wishes to fill the gaps in Suga's broken heart in a very different way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Suga has a boyfriend.

It's a simple day. After-school volleyball practice about to be held, the team quickly changes in the locker room. Hinata and Kageyama are bickering, Tanaka is for some reason still shirtless, Noya is shamelessly flirting with Asahi while the ace himself only becomes progressively more confused as Noya goes on and on about Asahi's "freakin' beautiful thighs." Totally normal day. Until Noya spots something on Suga as he very quickly whips his shirt off and his jersey on.

"Suga, what is _that_?!"

Noya yanks down Suga's jersey by the collar, and the ash-haired boy yelps and blushes violently as a fresh, dark purple hickey on his shoulder is exposed.

" _Noya_!" he chides and wrenches the jersey out of his fist, still a deep red colour from his cheekbones to the tips of his ears. "Don't be so rude!"

"Suga-san, did someone punch you?" Hinata curls his hands in a fist and crouches like he's about to kick some ass, Street Fighter-style.

"Dumbass, that's a hickey!" Kageyama smacks Hinata upside the head and he whines "Bakageyamaaaaa that hurrrrrrt" before blinking and recoiling almost comically in an interesting mix of intrigued and horrified.

"Suga, your girlfriend bites you?!"

"Ah, well," Suga suddenly looks less embarrassed and more extremely uncomfortable. "N-no, not exactly..." He absentmindedly runs a hand through his hair.

"There are other ways to get a hickey that bad?!" Hinata cries.

"You didn't use a vacuum or something, did you?" Tanaka asks quizzically.

"He's not you," Tsukishima sneers from the corner of the room. Yamaguchi snickers behind his hand.

"That's not what I meant!" Suga blurts, hugging his arms. The door quietly clicks open to admit their captain, who opens his mouth to say something as Suga continues in a rush, "I meant I didn't get it from a girlfriend, I got it from my _boyfriend_!"

There is an awkward silence as the team slowly takes in this information. Asahi seems nervous (then again, he's always nervous), Tsukishima has his mouth slightly open, Yamaguchi keeps glancing at Daichi with narrowed eyes, Kageyama is just blank, Hinata is (for once) very deep in thought, and Tanaka looks like he wants to say something but doesn't know how to speak anymore.

Noya looks utterly unimpressed, but he keeps flicking his gaze up to Asahi to see how he takes to the idea of a boy giving another boy an obviously passionate mark of intimacy.

And Daichi?

Daichi looks like he just got slapped in the face with a block of ice.

Standing there with his eyes wide and his lips parted and dry— standing perfectly still, except his legs start to tremble, just barely noticeable.

"Guys?" Suga says softly. He's preparing himself for the worst. He's especially worried about what Daichi is going to say.

"Can date other guys and it's totally fine," Tsukishima finishes. Yamaguchi looks stunned. He nonchalantly sits on the bench to fix his socks. "Now I don't really know what all your views on two guys dating are," he says, addressing the whole room. "But Suga is our teammate and friend and we are going to support him even if we think it's weird for him to have a boyfriend. As long as it doesn't affect the team, I don't care who he dates."

"Yeah!" Hinata vigorously agrees, startling Asahi with his outburst. His sets his hands on his hips. "I think that's cool! Except maybe you should tell him not to bite you 'cause that looks like it hurt a lot and then maybe you won't be able to set as good if it hurts."

"Dumbass, don't just _say_ things like that!" A flushed Kageyama smacks him again as Noya bursts into laughter at Hinata's genuine concern, and just like that, the awkward mood has broken and the team goes back to getting ready, bickering and laughing and flirting and loud again.

Suga's legs feel so shaky he has to sit down and take a deep breath. He looks up to see Daichi sitting heavily next to him.

"Hey," he says tentatively.

Daichi grunts and doesn't look at him, opting to stare blankly at the floor instead.

A weird, nauseous feeling settles into Suga's stomach. "Are you mad at me?"

Daichi's head snaps up. "What? No! No. I'm just... a little caught off guard, to be honest. I mean, I never even knew you were gay." He looks immediately horrified. "Oh shit, I shouldn't just assume that, I mean— are you—? I mean you don't have to— ugh."

Suga laughs a little. "I am gay. I'm sorry I never really told you. We're, ah, not very open about our relationship as of yet."

"Don't apologize," Daichi says immediately. The room starts to thin out. Noya looks over his shoulder questioningly, but Daichi shoos him off. The door clicks shut. They are alone.

Suga clasps his hands underneath his thighs and raises an eyebrow. "I take it you have a lot of questions?"

"Who's 'we?'"

"What?"

"Who's your boyfriend?" Suga flinches at the sudden harshness of Daichi's voice.

"Y-Yamada Kaoru." He draws into himself, not liking where this conversation seems to be going.

Daichi opens his mouth to abruptly shut it. Suga managed to get the hottest, smartest, most-fangirled-over boy in the entire grade to give him a hickey. A gigantic one. And that hadn't been a spur-of-the-moment deal, no, they were dating. Boyfriends.

Suga has a boyfriend.

Suga has a boyfriend and it leaves a bitter-black taste on Daichi's tongue.

Suga has a boyfriend and Daichi wants to cry because it isn't him.

"I'm happy for you," he spills out. He can't stand the feeling of the lie ripping itself from his throat, but if he can't make Suga happy in the way he wants to anymore, he'll have to make do with what they have now.

To Suga, it's the same as they've always had.

Suga looks at him so nervously, looks so fragile that Daichi continues, "And if anyone ever gives you shit for being gay, you come to me and I'll make their life a living hell, alright?" He rather awkwardly pats Suga on the shoulder, carefully making sure it isn't the hickey-covered one, and heavily stands up again. "We gotta go, Ukai's going to have a fit if we take any more time in here."

Suga shuffles after him. Just before they enter the gym, he tugs on Daichi's sleeve.

"What?"

"Thanks," he whispers. "I was really scared you weren't going to want to be my friend anymore."

 _I haven't wanted to be "just friends" for years now._ It trembles on the tip of Daichi's tongue.

He swallows it down.

"That's ridiculous." Daichi pulls him into the loud gym, echoing with the usual energy of their rambunctious team, raring to go. "You're my best friend. Nothing's changed."

Except everything's changed.

Suga has a boyfriend.

Suga has a boyfriend and Daichi doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to think about anything anymore.

Suga has a beautiful boyfriend and Daichi has an ugly, shattered heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! I've never written a multi-chaptered story before. This is based on real events that happened to me, so you know what that means. Lots of heartstring-tugging to behold here. But if you have read my other work, you probably know that it'll end up alright in the end. This time I am just stuffing a lot of angst amidst the fluff.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! I am very excited to finally create something a little different from my usual sugar-sweet one-shot fluffiness.


	2. You are alone and not alone

"You alright? You seem a little off today."

Suga jolts upright, chopsticks clattering to his desk. He flushes and snatches them up. His fumble goes unnoticed in the happy chatter of lunchtime, classmates around him twittering away about lighthearted things, makeup and celebrities and music and sports and club activities.

Kaoru raises an eyebrow as if to say, "My point exactly."

Suga pushes his rice around in his bento box, not even faintly hungry. He skipped breakfast, too. He feels like he won't be able to keep anything down if he eats any more than a few bites.

"The team kinda found out about us yesterday. They saw what you left last time I was over," Suga sighs, too weary to be embarrassed about it. "Only Daichi knows it's you, though. And no one's given me a hard time about it," he adds hastily, seeing Kaoru's concerned expression. "It's just..."

Kaoru waits, calmly eating his tempura in clean, crumbless bites. Suga gets momentarily distracted by his perfectly white teeth.

He drops his gaze back down and realizes he's pushed half his rice into his compartment of pickled daikon.

"It's Daichi. He supports me, he says nothing's changed, but I can't help but feel he's... getting a little bit... distant." His voice shrinks and shrinks as his confidence in his words diminishes and the unease roils through his stomach again. "I don't think he likes how he found out his best friend is— well. Yeah. I don't think he likes that I never told him about me."

"You don't owe him that, Sugawara," Kaoru says sharply, looking over the rim of his glasses. "Just because he's your best friend, he has no right to make you feel guilty about it. I think what's really going on is that he thinks he has to rewire his entire mentality about you. I would imagine it's not an unusual response." His voice softens. "I think you just need to give him time to think. From what I hear, he's a reasonable, kind guy. He'll come around. Trust me."

"I trust you," Suga says quietly.

"Good." Kaoru lets a tiny smile grace his lips. "Now, please eat. You can't possibly play volleyball on an empty stomach."

Suga pushes the rest of his rice over. "I'm not hungry. I had a big breakfast." He returns Kaoru's smile with a dazzling one of his own. "American-style! Pancakes and eggs and everything."

Kaoru chuckles. "You're too cute," he whispers, leaning his head on his hand.

"You're cuter," Suga giggles, careful to not let their classmates hear them, but his stomach still rages against him.

There must be something wrong with him, but Suga pushes it out of mind. _It'll go away if I ignore it_ , he thinks desperately. _It'll go away_.

 

  
Practice is, in a word, _dizzy_.

Suga can't follow through with a single set. He is lightheaded and generally out of it the entire time. It's when he almost gets smacked right in the eye by a spiked ball that Daichi makes him sit out.

"You're acting really weird, are you okay?" Daichi asks, leaning too close to Suga's face. His brows are tightly knit and worry colours his eyes. He presses the back of his hand to Suga's forehead. "Are you sick?"

"No." Suga doesn't think Daichi heard him; he himself barely heard his response.

Daichi presses his lips together in a tight line. "Drink some water, okay?" He presses Suga's water bottle into his slack fingers and Suga nods dumbly. He knows he won't be drinking much, if he drinks any at all. He can feel Takeda and Ukai gazing with concern, and he lightly pushes Daichi away. "I'll be fine."

Daichi clearly doesn't believe him, but he can't sit out with Suga the entire time. He reluctantly returns to the game, shouting out instructions.

Takeda joins Suga on the bench. "You're acting like you're either drunk or you haven't eaten anything today," he says without preamble. "I'm guessing it's the second one?"

Suga gapes. This man is too perceptive for his own good. Knowing Takeda's stubborn streak, he realizes that Takeda already knows he hasn't eaten. He just wants to get Suga to say it. Why, he doesn't know, but he gives up before fighting a battle he knows he'll lose.

"I ate a little bit of rice at lunch," Suga says, gripping his water bottle tightly now. "But that was it." He hunches over a little farther as his stomach screams in hunger. His next words come out high-pitched and pathetic. "I think there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'll puke if I eat."

"Do you think you may have an eating disorder?" Takeda rests a hand softly on Suga's upper back, rubbing it in calming circles. "Because if you do, we can get help right away, Sugawara-kun."

"No, it's... I'm not like, purging or anything, and I want to eat. I don't think I'm fat. But my stomach..." Suga feels tears prick his eyes and furiously tries to blink them away. He has to take several deep, increasingly unstable breaths in a failing effort to calm himself. "I keep thinking about Daichi and my stomach hurts," he finally admits, voice catching on Daichi's name in a cracked sob.

Ukai has made his way over and seated himself on Suga's other side. "What's up?" he asks Takeda in a hushed voice, ducking his head a bit.

Takeda just shakes his head a bit and keeps rubbing Suga's back. "I'm thinking it's along the lines of anxiety at this point, Sugawara-kun. We can get you help for that too. You can talk to us if you want," he offers, gesturing between himself and Ukai. The coach quickly nods his head in affirmation. "We'll get you in a safer environment and you can talk to us. Or we can talk to you. We care about you, Sugawara-kun, and it makes me very sad to see such a sweet person like you be so distraught."

"Yeah. You're a real good kid, Suga," Ukai says gruffly. He hesitantly brings his hands to Takeda's and links their fingers, creating a barrier around the trembling boy. Takeda looks a bit taken aback but stays silent. "We'll help you, but only if you let us. Do you want to talk to us about... whatever is clearly not going well with Daichi, maybe later?"

Suga sniffles, shoulders tense. He jumps as Ukai barks at the team to "get back to practice, you idiots, don't just stand there staring!" and shrinks even further into himself, mortified that they'd all seen him like this. Takeda makes a quiet, calming shushing noise. "They're just worried about you," he murmurs. "They care about you, too."

A few moments pass, the two men holding him carefully, patiently waiting.

Suga exhales slowly.

"Alright," he croaks. "I want to talk."

"Okay," is all Takeda says. Ukai disentangles himself and stomps off to yell at the team some more. Suga leans into Takeda's shoulder. It should feel weird, but Takeda feels more like an uncle or an older brother than a teacher at the moment, and Suga is feeling more than a little overwhelmed about this whole situation— not to mention confused as to how such seemingly little things led him to starving himself before lying to his boyfriend _and_ Daichi about eating, before nearly passing out during practice, before being practically cradled by two men who have begun to take the roles of the older brother/father-figure that Suga always felt like he missed out on.

The idea of talking about _this_ — whatever _this_ is— scares the living piss out of Suga. But he knows himself too well. It's already this bad. He can't let it get worse.

He wonders how long he's actually had _this_.

He wonders about Takeda and Ukai. They had _held hands to comfort him_ together. They had acted like they were his parents—or at least a married couple. Surely that was not something that two coworkers, however close, normally did.

In spite of himself, a watery little grin makes its way onto Suga's face.

Perhaps he will finally be able to talk to someone about having a boyfriend without worrying that they wouldn't accept him, or just fail to understand it. Perhaps there are more people like him, people who are a little different than Noya— Suga can never tell if he's joking with Asahi or not, and in any case, Noya seems a bit too— well— _Noya_ for Suga to feel like he can have a serious conversation with him about sexuality.

Perhaps he has finally found a safe place.

His stomach clenches. Suga sits up a bit straighter. "Takeda-sensei, could you get me something from the vending machine?"

Takeda smiles softly. "Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a while I was scaring myself a bit, first with the prospect of Suga having an eating disorder and then with "Wait, this doesn't seem like I ship Suga and Takeda, does it???" This chapter we met Kaoru. We'll see how his character evolves throughout the story.
> 
> Also the idea of Takeda and Ukai basically starting a very very tiny GSA just for Suga makes me very happy.
> 
> Thank you for reading so far!!


	3. Hot flash and whiplash

_Kaoru is warm_ , Suga thinks sluggishly as he burrows deeper into his boyfriend's baggy hoodie, pressing against Kaoru's chest.

Kaoru is warm and it's what Suga needs after the frigidness of Daichi.

Daichi has stopped talking to him. He didn't come up to Suga at lunch, didn't talk to him between classes. With the new seating arrangements, Suga sits next to Kaoru and far away from Daichi. But that had never stopped him before. It seemed like Daichi was trying to give the couple some space, but he came off as cold-shouldered.

And at practice? Barely a word out of him to anyone, least of all to Suga.

Suga feels like he's suddenly lost his best friend. Maybe he has.

He whimpers.

Kaoru envelopes Suga in a fluffy hug, his huge sleeves draping around his waist and shoulders. They are laying on Kaoru's bed, abandoning the English homework they had only been half-heartedly attempting anyway. Suga couldn't concentrate. Kaoru firmly decided that cuddling would help, and unceremoniously dragged Suga on top of himself as he flopped backwards onto the mattress. Now Suga breathes in his unfamiliar scent, a foreign cologne and ivory soap. _Clean_ , he thinks. Kaoru is warm and clean, while Suga's thoughts of Daichi are angry and messy and freezing cold.

Suga shimmies up a bit so his face is right by Kaoru's. The dark-haired boy looks at him curiously out of the corner of his eye, peeking around the stem of his glasses.

Suga pecks him on his cheek, then his jaw, then his nose, and finally brushes against his lips. He breathes shakily against his mouth before Kaoru is surging upwards, pressing back into Suga, sliding his hands into Suga's soft hair. Suga scrambles onto his knees as Kaoru sits up, and tries to hastily gasp in a breath. Kaoru slips his tongue into Suga's open mouth and proceeds to pull tiny, high-pitched sounds from the back of Suga's throat. His hands move to Suga's waist and tug his shirt off.

Suga breaks away, panting. Kaoru moves his mouth down his neck to his collarbone, and keep going further and further south...

Suga knows all the warnings, all the stories of becoming sexually active too young. It's too late for him, and he's not sure if Kaoru has any experience. But they're both almost eighteen, and in any case, he doesn't want to stop this at all. It's too much sensation and he loves it, he can feel the coil starting just below his stomach, he can feel his moans getting stuck in his throat, he can feel his resistance fading as he slumps onto his back and Kaoru just keeps going...

 

Kaoru doesn't say anything as they both finish, just goes to get a towel for both of their hands and roughly wipes everything off Suga's long fingers before attending to himself. He won't look Suga in the eyes, but Suga just waves it off as embarrassment. That had probably been Kaoru's first time doing something like that. It would take him a little while to process it.

It wasn't Suga's first time. His first time doing anything sexual was in the ninth grade, in a flurry of hormones with a teammate on his junior high volleyball team in the abandoned locker room. They had parted ways only a couple of months later as they graduated and Suga never saw him again.

Suga likes dating so much better than that heated exchange up against the uncomfortable lockers. He feels safe and warm and _happy_ with Kaoru. He pulls Kaoru back against him as the boy returns to his bed. "You okay?" he asks softly.

"I'm good," Kaoru sighs and nuzzles his face into Suga's neck, his long hair tickling his nose. "It just... was a little weird, is all."

"Oh? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no, I've just, ah... never really..." Kaoru begins mumbling. Suga can feel his face heating up against his neck. "That was my first time. Just overwhelmed is all."

"I get it," Suga says, stroking his hair. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I'm not _embarrassed_ ," Kaoru insists. Suga tries to pry his head away but Kaoru refuses to budge. Suga giggles and starts poking his sides. Kaoru squirms, trying to awkwardly fend Suga off with his elbows before giving up and letting go of Suga's middle to grab his wrists and shove them far away. Hands immobile, Suga giggles again and playfully flicks his tongue against Kaoru's ear.

Kaoru groans. "Suga, cut it out and let me cuddle you."

"Mmm, okay." Suga nudges at Kaoru's hair with his nose until he lifts his head. He captures Kaoru's lips in a slow kiss, sucking on his bottom lip with both his tongue and his teeth until Kaoru starts to squirm again. "Why do you become even more like this after..."

"Speak proper Japanese, Kao-chan, I don't know what you mean."

Kaoru decides to succumb to what has become a very lazy make-out session, and Suga forgets about everything but the feeling of a mouth against his own and the warmth of arms surrounding him.

 

Some time later, Suga's phone rings. He pulls away from Kaoru with a little _pop_ and fumbles for his phone on the desk. Answering before he can read the caller ID, he breathily says, "Hello, Suga speaking."

"Suga?"

He feels his lungs rapidly deflate. "Hey, Daichi, what's up?" he chirps nervously.

"I wanted to talk to you about something. Are you alone?"

"N-no, I'm with Kao-ch— I'm with Kaoru."

There is a tight pause.

"I'll call later, then," Daichi says shortly and abruptly hangs up. His tone of voice... there was something wrong with it. He had sounded like Tsukishima when he was in one of his bitter moods, when he covered his insecurities in snarky comments. Like he was jeering at not only Kaoru, but the idea of Kaoru and Suga together.

Suga feels a hot flash of rage flare up his windpipe. In a brief loss of control, he lobs his phone at the floor, watching it bounce twice before smacking the wall. His breath comes out fast and angry through his nose and his hands curl into fists. Kaoru looks up at him with wide eyes.

"What did he say?" He presses his hands to Suga's cheeks, startled to find hot tears there.

"He said he would c-call later, then hung up. B-but he sounded so... when I told him I was with you... I c-c-can't... I think... I think he hates m-me..." He scrubs at his eyes, furious at how quickly he can fall apart at Daichi's words, shamefully crying now.

Kaoru pulls him gently down and curls himself around the shaking boy, saying nothing until Suga's sobs die down a bit.

"I'm going to talk to him. Find out if he has a problem with us."

"What?" Suga gasps. "Oh, no, don't talk to him, please, Kaoru, don't—"

"Someone needs to talk to him," Kaoru interrupts. "I don't think you'd be able to as it is now, so I'll do it."

"Kaoru—"

"I'm going to talk to Sawamura," he insists, and Suga drops it. He's too frazzled to argue about it, and in any case, Kaoru's right.

But days pass and melt away into a week, then a weekend, and suddenly it's Wednesday again and nothing's changed.

Kaoru never talks to Daichi.

That should have set alarms off in Suga's head, but he's been too worked up over having his first meeting with Takeda and Ukai after school on Thursday that he doesn't bring it up.

He brings up less and less these days.

And he and Daichi don't talk at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: talking to Takeda and Ukai! Finally Suga will start getting some of the help he's begun to desperately need.
> 
> Thank you for reading so far :)


	4. Overwhelming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does contain a mildly intense panic attack, so proceed with caution. If you would like to skip it, when you hit "And one day he shatters" skip to "Suga doesn't remember anything after that."

"Ah, Sugawara-kun, please come in!" Takeda breathlessly greets him. His hair is messy, his tie is crooked, and Ukai behind him has a suspiciously guilty look on his face.

Suga glances at the bleach-blonde with a missing hairband, then back at ruffled Takeda, and raises an eyebrow, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips.

Takeda throws a quick glare at Ukai before ushering Sugawara into the otherwise-empty staff room, flushing slightly and absentmindedly smoothing down his untucked shirt. The door is locked behind them, and Takeda sits Suga down in a swivel chair in front of his desk, hastily pushing papers back into order from places where they looked as if they had been shoved roughly aside.

"So," Takeda says, tone calm and level, taking a seat in his own chair. He smiles kindly at Suga. "How are you doing today?" Ukai hunts down another chair and sits backwards on it next to Takeda.

"Um." Suga goes blank for a moment. "Well... uh." Great. He's already flustered. "S-sorry."

"It's alright. Take a breath, gather your thoughts."

Suga closes his eyes and drags in a deep breath until his lungs are fit to burst, then slowly releases it. "Today was okay, all things considered." One arm sneaks up to hide in the crook of the other. "I mean, Daichi still didn't talk to me, but that hasn't been new for a while now. And Kaoru— my, uh, my boyfriend— was acting weird yesterday and I'm still a little... uneasy about it. But. Not a terrible day." He tries to smile. It comes out lopsided. "You know who Kaoru is, right?"

"Yamada?" Takeda queries. Suga nods. "Hm. I do. I don't teach him anymore, but I used to. A very bright boy, on the quiet side."

"What about him bothered you yesterday?" Ukai asks.

"Uh."

"Remember, we're not pressuring you to answer anything," Takeda says softly.

"I know. It's just, uh..." Suga crosses his arms and dips his head, blushing. "It'll be weird to talk to you guys about it."

Ukai scratches his neck, looking completely unembarrassed as he says, "What, talking about sex or something?"

"Uh. Y-yeah. That." Suga turns a little redder. "Well, um... yesterday we were at his house, f-fooling around like normal—" (Ukai raises his eyebrows a bit at this and Takeda slaps his arm lightly, but Suga doesn't see)— "And we've... sort of had sex before... and we weren't about to do anything we hadn't done before, but..." he trails off, blush fading as a more complex emotion fills his eyes.

"But..?" Takeda prompts.

"He pushed me right off the bed. I hit my head." Suga frowns. "He didn't even apologize. He looked so uncomfortable." He raises his head to look at the two men with a lost look to his rapidly-blinking gaze. "I don't know why. He's never done that before. And he hasn't kissed me since then. I don't... I don't..." He doesn't know how to finish.

"Have you talked to him about this at all?" Ukai asks.

"I don't know how to bring it up," Suga admits. "There hasn't really been a good time... I don't know what to ask him."

"How about 'why did you throw me off your bed that one time?' Just be direct about it. Communication is one of the most important parts of having a relationship, especially if it's like yours'."

"I-I don't think I can do that... Just ask so _directly_..."

"Then your relationship with Yamada-kun is going to be very difficult," Takeda says as gently as he can. "If you don't feel like you can talk to him about what bothers you, especially if it involves him, then things might start falling apart very quickly."

"...oh." Suga tucks his legs up to his chest and his mouth to his knees.

Takeda rolls a little closer. "Speaking of communication... your teammates are starting to ask a lot of questions about you and Daichi."

Suga's breath hitches.

"What's going on? You two were best friends," Takeda murmurs sadly. Ukai drifts to Suga's other side.

"I don't know," Suga whispers honestly. "I told him I was gay and he stopped talking to me. And he tried to call me once, but once I said Kaoru was with me, he went all cold and hung up." His breathing takes on a jerky tempo, chest rising and falling in short bursts. "And I... I..." His vision blurs.

Takeda and Ukai hold their breath.

Suga buries his face in his hands and wails, " _I miss him so much..!_ "

"Oh, Sugawara-kun," Takeda whispers and immediately embraces Suga as he breaks down completely, pouring a storm of tears into Takeda's soft sweater as ugly, open-mouthed sobs rip themselves one after the other from deep inside him, as he shakes so hard he almost tears himself from Takeda's arms, as his heart twists and cracks in his heaving chest.

The pain is indescribable. It feels like someone is trying to remove his lungs via his tear-ducts. He falls limp as Takeda slowly pulls him to the floor so the three of them can sit close without worry of falling off their unstable chairs. Suga finds himself in that linked-hand cradle again, warmth washing over him as he bleeds out all the emotions about Daichi he'd bottled up for weeks.

They don't make him answer any more questions that day.

 

The meetings with Ukai and Takeda every Thursday continue for a month and a half. Suga feels like he can talk to them about anything. It's certainly much easier to admit to the more intimate things he's continued to try (and fail) to do with Kaoru.

But Daichi still doesn't talk.

And Suga develops a severe anxiety disorder.

It really must have started at home. His father has never been fully present in Suga's life, always someplace or another around the world, but Suga truly doesn't believe that has much to do with it. No, it's his mother, who preaches homophobia like she breathes air and pushes Suga to be better, to always be better than he is. It's never good enough, not that score of 90 on his advanced mathematics test, not all the energy he pours into volleyball, and certainly not his lack of a girlfriend.

He's never good enough. It's been drilled into his head for years.

It continues with Kaoru. Suga feels like his failures to get his own boyfriend to do so much as kiss him reflect his own failure at being a good boyfriend. Ukai especially insists repeatedly that "there's two people in this relationship. It's impossible for this to be your fault completely" but all Suga can think is that he isn't good enough for smart, beautiful Yamada Kaoru, which eventually translates to: Suga isn't smart or beautiful enough for Yamada Kaoru.

_He's not good enough._

Obviously, Daichi doesn't help the situation.

Obviously, Suga can't control being gay.

Obviously, as Takeda and Ukai say time and time again, they really need to talk.

But they don't.

Suga just... _can't_.

And one day he shatters.

It's during practice and it's been building up all day, maybe all week, all month, _forever_. All it takes is a ball smacking Hinata in the back of his head, courtesy of Suga's failed recieve, and Suga stops functioning. Everything is going haywire and he's about to drown, so he sprints to the bathroom and nearly doesn't make it behind the door before he loses himself completely.

Suga lets out one hoarse cry before folding into himself, clutching his head, scratching up his arms with harsh nails until blood wells up and starts dripping and he feels like he will never be able to open his eyes again, his whole entire body is too tight and too full and too small and it hurts it hurts _it hurts it hurts it hurts IT HURTS—_

" _SUGA!_ " someone is bellowing as they shove into the bathroom, and they pick him up and hold them against their chest, and Suga thinks it's Daichi, but Daichi doesn't smell like that and now he feels even worse.

He can faintly hear a cacophony of voices through the roaring in his ears as he's jostled in strong arms and held even tighter, being carried somewhere, but he can't open his eyes to see where.

"Oh my god, Suga—"

" _Suga_ —"

"Suga-san, it didn't hurt that bad, please don't— _please_ —"

"Ukai-sensei, what the hell—?!"

"Sugawara—"

"Did he make himself _bleed_ —?!"

" _Shut up,_ " someone says, and Suga can tell it's Takeda, but the harsh, high-pitched tone doesn't sound anything like him. "Shut up. Don't overwhelm Sugawara-kun any more."

The team goes deathly silent, punctuated by sniffles and harsh breathing.

"Suga, can you hear me?" Ukai rumbles against him.

Suga whimpers and tries to curl up tighter. Ukai shifts his arms and Suga _freaks_ , suddenly convinced Ukai is about to drop him. He shrieks and clings with white knuckles to Ukai's shirt, a fresh wave of panic forcing more tears out between his clenched-shut eyelids and his mind goes—

—

—blank.

 

  
Suga doesn't remember anything after that. His memories start unfogging a while later (he can't even tell how much time has passed), a mix of pills and white rooms and his mother's twisted, sour face as she forks over money to help the son she's never considered worth helping.

Things with Kaoru are still rocky— arguably, they've worsened.

But there was definitely one good thing that came out of Suga's feverish panic attack.

Suga woke up in soft darkness. He took a moment to orient himself. He smelled disinfectant and heard a soft beeping to his left, heard muffled talk and wheels rolling out in the hall. Some moonlight slanted through the window. He had been brought to the local hospital. The thought drifted slowly through his sluggish brain. He sighed quietly and sat up.

Daichi was slumped in a chair to Suga's right, deathly pale and puffy-eyed.

Suga can recall in excruciating detail the way his breath stuck in his panic-exhausted, crushed lungs and they way his sleep-heavy eyes blew open wide.

"Daichi..?" he whispered.

"Suga," the boy breathed. He reached out and took Suga's limp hand in his own. The desperately lost look on his face broke Suga's heart. "Suga, I am so, so sorry."

Suga looked down and bit his lip. His fingers curled tight around Daichi's hand. "You're a shitty friend," he whispered hoarsely. "What time is it?"

"Wha—? Uh, it's— almost four."

"In the morning?"

Daichi paused. "Yes." Suga had never heard his voice so soft.

"How on earth did you convince them to let you stay?"

"Well," Daichi ran his hand over his neck sheepishly. "They couldn't get me to move. So they gave up."

Suga exhaled silently. And then they just stared at each other, trying to find something in the other's red-rimmed eyes. Suga blinked first and subconsciously dug his nails into the back of Daichi's hand.

Daichi laced their fingers together and scooted closer, lifting Suga's hand shakily to his lips, where his pressed a tiny kiss against each knuckle, still staring straight into Suga's wide, warm brown eyes. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, barely audible. "I'm the worst person on the face of the planet. I can't believe the way I treated you after you told me you had a boyfriend. I thought I was better than that. But I'm such a _dick_ ," he spat suddenly, dropping his gaze to his lap, still gripping Suga's hand. "It wasn't even the fact that you're gay. I was..." And here he finally falters. "I was jealous and scared," he admitted shamefully. "I thought maybe you didn't need me anymore. Just... the way you _looked_ at him Suga, it made me feel... inferior. God. I sound like I'm love with you or something." Daichi's own breath hitched at that.

Something clicked in Suga's head, but he didn't yet understand what it was.

Daichi pushed on. "But I was so jealous. I thought I had to compete against him for you, but I should have realized that he wasn't a replacement for me. I should have realized I was just as important to you as you are to me. I'm an idiot," he finished. He pressed Suga's fingers to his mouth again. "What can I do to get you to forgive me?" His voice finally broke, a single tear trickling down his cheek.

"You already did it," Suga said, voice wobbly and scratchy, and he tugged Daichi's hand until the boy leaned over him. Suga wrapped his arms around Daichi's neck, pulling his face into the pillow next to him. "Get up here," he whispered, and Daichi silently complied, slipping next to the broken boy swathed in sterile white and letting Suga curl into him, clutching him like he would die if he let go.

Perhaps it changed that night, as Suga allowed Daichi to run his fingers through his mussed hair and hum lullabies until he fell asleep in his arms, as Daichi allowed Suga to tangle their legs together and rest his cracked lips lightly against Daichi's collarbone until he drifted away into quiet, calm nothingness.

Perhaps it had always been that way.

Daichi kissed Suga's forehead, and he smiled in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.  
> That was intense.
> 
> This story is far from over! What will happen between Daichi and Suga next? And of course, what about Kaoru? This is only the first arc, after all. Anything could happen!
> 
> I also changed the description to better match the story.


	5. Interlude

Ukai can't sleep.

The image of Suga screaming and writhing in panic against his chest keeps echoing in his head over and over again. He's sure to have nightmares about it if he falls asleep. He heaves a sigh and turns to his other side.

Takeda is there, bathed in moonlight, still and silent beneath the heavy comforter. He shifts as Ukai presses up against him, tucking his knees under the smaller man's and circling his waist with scratched-up arms.

"Can't sleep?" Takeda murmurs, resting his hands over Ukai's.

"No," he huffs into Takeda's hair, ruffling it with his breath. He pauses, then asks hesitantly, "Do you think we should've gotten him professional help sooner?"

"While I think it's unhealthy to dwell of 'should-haves,' I do think we shouldn't have tried to take care of him on our own," Takeda slips their fingers together. Ukai's thumb immediately beguns stroking his hand; whether he realized it or not, he always did that. Takeda quirks an endearing smile. "But I don't think anyone knew it was that bad, not even Sugawara-kun himself."

" _It_ ," Ukai grunts. "What is _it_?"

"Severe anxiety, leading to a massive panic attack. Have you ever met his parents?"

"I've briefly talked with his mom before. She seems pretty overbearing."

"She's almost certainly a constant source of stress for him. Always pushing him too far. I'm positive that's where his inferiority problems stem from. And his father's traveling about ninety per cent of the time, so Sugawara-kun probably hardly even knows him." Takeda flops onto his back to look up at Ukai. "We're probably the closest things to real parents he's ever had, Keishin. So I'm going to consider all of this as one of the many guaranteed mistakes that come with being a first-time parent. Or just a parent in general." He holds Ukai's hands tightly. "We've gotta look after him, Keishin. Probably even after he graduates. He has to know that there're people who have his back. And Daichi..." He bites his lip. "I think we need to start talking to him too."

Ukai stares at him, but with an edge of fondness. "You're serious about this whole parent thing, huh? You realize you're basically on the way to adopting Suga, right? Do you wanna have kids some day?"

"Well," Takeda blushes. "One thing at a time, Kei."

"Yeah, yeah," Ukai chuckles and nuzzles his nose into Takeda's soft locks. He exhales. "Yeah, we gotta talk to Daichi. He's got it real bad for Suga, doesn't he? I could tell, just by looking at him when they talked..."

"Yes, I believe he does."

"...do you think they're gonna be okay?"

"I think Daichi is finally seeing some things clearly now," Takeda answers carefully. "We'll have to see if anything's changed between them when we visit."

"Will Suga get better?" Ukai's voice is very small. He sounds like a scared child, clinging tight to Takeda as a source of comfort.

Takeda tries to decide if he wants to sugercoat his answer or not. "I don't know," he finally says gently. "We can try to help as much as we can, but in the end, he has to do some fighting, too. He has to want to get better. And with Yamada-kun... I..." He stumbles on his words.

"What about Yamada?"

"I have a bad feeling about him," Takeda says quietly.

"He's gonna break Suga's heart even more, isn't he," Ukai sighs heavily. It's not a question. They both already know the answer.

"Most likely. And I want to make sure he knows we'll be there for him."

"There's no way he doesn't already know that, Tetsu. He practically leaps right into your arms when he gets sad." Ukai huffs a laugh. "You really are his parent, aren't you?" He lifts his head. "And I actually did want to know earlier. Do you want to have kids?"

Takeda stares. "Are you offering to raise children with me?"

Ukai flushes. "Not gonna lie, I've thought about it a few times."

"So have I," Takeda grins. "But like I said. One thing at a time."

"Huh? Oh, then let's move in together. You practically live here anyway."

"Not true!"

"Tetsu, I have two full drawers of my dresser for your stuff."

"That's only two drawers."

"That's a third of my entire dresser. And all those sweaters from my own drawer might as well be yours, you little theif," Ukai pretends to pout but it comes out as a grin.

"Yeah, okay, so I wear your sweaters. They're warm. And you like it."

"N-not true!" Ukai splutters, echoing his boyfriend.

"Kei, last time we had sex you specifically asked me to keep the sweater on because I looked 'too damn cute' in it."

Ukai groans. "Why'd you have to go and remember that?"

Takeda rolls his eyes. "That was only three days ago, babe."

Ukai turns very red at the rare usage of "babe," but sobers up as he remembers why it seemed like so long ago. He glances at the clock. "It's almost four in the morning," he yawns. "Thank god tomorrow's Saturday."

"Think you can sleep yet?"

"I'll try..."

"Suga will be better when we see him, so don't worry too much. He's in a safe place."

"I know."

"Alright. Good night, Keishin."

"Night, Ittetsu." Ukai presses a chaste kiss to Takeda's lips. "So you want to live together, right?"

"Of course, dummy. Now shut up and go to sleep," Takeda grumbles without any bite, turning back around to be the little spoon.

Ukai breathes in his scent, paper and coffee and something sweet, like maple syrup, and immediately falls fast asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a moment between Takeda and Ukai.
> 
> (Yep, they had the sexy times. Literally no surprises there, lol.)


	6. Myriad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some homophobic slurs from Suga's mother, so if you would like to skip them, when you hit "Suga remembers the first day back home in colours" just skip that paragraph.

The memories Suga has after waking up in the hospital are piecemeal, and fan out in disarray. He thinks he has them all in the right order, but he could be wrong.

He remembers Ukai and Takeda visiting after Daichi had to leave and asking in low voices if anything had happened between them. He remembers a smile creeping up on him and the way his heart flits about in his chest when he answers, "It's alright now. We'll be okay." Suga thinks they were holding hands when they smiled back at him with genuine happiness on his behalf, relief and something like pride painting their softly-lit faces.

He remembers the team visiting only a few minutes later, how could he not? The nurse had to pry Hinata off of him when he jumped on Suga with a bunch of flowers still in his fist, jabbering a mile a minute and crying a little bit in obvious relief that Suga was feeling better. Kageyama probably hit him upside the head, but he doesn't remember.

The team chattered with him for hours until the nurses got sick of them and kicked them out so Suga could have some peace, even though he wanted them to stay for hours more.

He remembers Asahi staying, and having a real, heartfelt conversation with him about anxiety and attacks. Asahi had said that if Suga ever needed someone to go to when he was panicking, he would be there for him. "And Noya, too," Asahi had added unexpectedly. Suga noted the distinct lack of an honorific. "He knows a lot about calming techniques now, and he's pretty good at it recognizing an attack before it can start. You're not alone in this. Noya's even started teaching the rest of the team so they can help us if we need it." A proud grin lights up his entire face, and Suga almost wants to make fun of it, but it's so sincere and endearing that he decides to not ruin it.

He doesn't remember much else. There's therapy and he hates it, there's pills and he hates them, there's his mother and he hates her and it scares him.

Suga remembers the first day back home in colours, a swirling mass of white and red and black; white in the iciness of his mother as she asked if "those faggot teachers" had come to visit again, red in the way he growls "don't call them that," black in her derisive snort in reply. "I'll call them what they are," she had said. "Faggots. Disgusting faggots. Don't spend too much time around them. You never know with faggots. They might try to force themselves on you. They're more likely to do that, you know."

Suga had rushed upstairs so she wouldn't see him start to cry. His coloured memories melt to greyscale as he shoots off a text to Kaoru that never gets answered, but draw back in some sense of soft pastels as he starts a group text with Daichi, Asahi, Noya and, surprisingly, Tsukishima, and they take turns comforting him, telling him that they love him and don't think he's disgusting, and Noya blasts off into a long rant about homophobes with Tsukishima sneaking in brutally sarcastic little comments that have Suga grinning in spite of himself. They text for hours and everyone makes sure he's okay before leaving.

Then Daichi calls and they talk about everything and nothing. Suga only remembers a sense of peace washing over him as Daichi's low voice paints him sky blue and deep purple with splashes of sunset and a myriad of stars.

He does remember with startling clarity waking up next to Daichi in that puffy white hospital bed. The numbness of his legs, the tiny sheen of sweat on his forehead from sharing copious amounts of body heat, the way Daichi had every one of his limbs hooked around Suga, anchoring him to safety.

Daichi had been staring at him with a painfully gentle expression when Suga's eyes blearily fluttered open. Caught, he hastily masked his quiet sadness, leaning forward to nudge his lips against Suga's hair, barely a kiss but still achingly intimate.

Suga remembers thinking for a long time afterward that he should have known then. He should have known ever since he woke up at four in the morning to find Daichi still awake and waiting for him.

Daichi was so in love with Suga it was killing him to hide it away, and it bubbled up in moments like these, silent moments for just the two of them, a mellow early morning with a hint of sun and a hint of rain and Suga wanted to stay here forever and that was really when he should have figured it out.

But he had Kaoru, so it never occurred to him until much later.

 

Suga drops his backpack on the floor of Kaoru's bedroom. "Hey."

Kaoru looks up from his desk. "Hey."

"So are we actually doing homework today or..?"

"...you want to make out, don't you."

Suga drops to his knees next to his boyfriend and slips his arm around his waist. "Little bit, yeah," he says huskily, leaning closer.

He presses their lips together and waits for Kaoru to respond. He does, but it feels forced. Suga figures they haven't done this in a while and Kaoru must be feeling a bit out of practice, but when the kissing doesn't become any more enjoyable, Suga pulls away.

"What's wrong?"

Kaoru is silent. He gently removes Suga's arm from his waist. He opens his mouth, pauses, closes it, and opens it again to say, "I've been thinking."

Suga feels the anxiety stir in his stomach. "...yeah?"

"Yeah, and I think... I mean... Sugawara, I'm not..." Kaoru runs a hand tiredly through his dark curly locks. "Sugawara, I'm straight."

The floor opens beneath Suga and he's falling, falling, falling. "What?"

"I thought I wasn't, and so I wanted to try this, but... it's just not... it just feels really—"

Suga's mouthing "no no no no no no no" but he doesn't see—

"—it's kind of gross. I don't want to do this anymore." He won't look up and Suga doesn't want him to.

Suga scrambles backwards and knocks his backpack over. A bottle tumbles out. His anxiety meds. Kaoru flicks his gaze to it and his mouth curls.

"Besides, I kind of already have a girlfriend."

The bottle is in danger of being crushed in Suga's shaking grip. "...what."

"Yeah. So we really can't do this anymore."

Suga doesn't know how he manages to hold himself together. The shock probably puts him on autopilot as he zips the bottle back up, slings his backpack over his shoulder, and stands up on legs that tremble so hard he almost collapses.

"I'm sorry."

"Shut the fucking hell up," Suga breathes, and then he's stumbling out of the house, barely able to see through his tears. He starts running as soon as he hits the sidewalk. He doesn't know where he's going.

His heart is broken cleanly in two, and it bleeds into his lungs and fills them with blinding grief that he coughs up and spills from his eyes and nose. His feet pound the asphalt in desperation, carrying him as far away from that house as fast as they can, and they start to hurt but it's nothing next to the black mess seeping from his ribcage.

Suga finds himself in front of Ukai's store with no idea how he'd gotten there.

The bell above the door is too happy as it rings out his arrival, and he just stands in the entrance, not knowing what to even do. Does he cry? Call out for Ukai? Turn around and leave? Pretend that he's just here to get a snack?

He doesn't have to make a decision. Ukai makes it for him by wordlessly getting up and leading him to the back storage room, where he sits Suga on the floor against the wall and busies himself with finding a can of something sweet and fizzy, popping the tab open and gently pushing it into Suga's shaky hands. Suga doesn't drink it, just stares blankly at the orange soda bubbling idly within the cold aluminum. Tears drip down his face and he makes no moves to wipe them away.

"What happened?" Ukai asks finally, covering Suga's hands lightly with his own.

Suga only shakes his head and a tiny noise escapes him, a swallowed sob.

"Do you want me to call someone over? Itte— Takeda, or Daichi, or Yamada?"

Suga flinches so badly that the can nearly slips from his fingers.

"Not Yamada, huh?"

Suga shakes his head violently and makes that choked noise again.

"Did something happen with him?"

"He—" Suga squeaks, and his eyebrows scrunch up and his eyes squeeze shut. "He just broke up with me because— he said— he was straight. And I wasn't— he might as well have— I wasn't—" he gasps erratically. Ukai takes the can from him and sets in away, wiping Suga's tears gently. "I wasn't enough."

He collapses his face into his hands. He's so sick of crying, so sick of feeling like shit all the time, so sick of not feeling good enough for anyone. The sobs escape him anyway, and Ukai cautiously folds Suga into his arms after extracting his phone from his pocket. Suga cries into his broad shoulder.

It hurts.

It hurts so bad.

Suga isn't good enough and it hurts worse than the attacks, worse than his mother's jibes, worse than any physical injury he's ever gotten playing volleyball. It's all over, dragging outward from his heart, which is barely working properly anymore, beating too fast, too slow, too hard, too much.

"I'm going to get Itt— Takeda over here, and Daichi if I can. Is that alright?"

Suga nods weakly.

He hears the pings of sent messages, then Ukai tucks his phone away and begins to slowly stroke Suga's hair. Suga cries himself all out of tears but doesn't move, slumped against the older man who's become something like the father he never had. Well. One of the fathers.

Ukai's phone vibrates. "Ittetsu's on his way." A moment passes and it rings. "It's Daichi." He answers. "Hey."

Suga can just barely hear the murmur of Daichi's voice through the phone.

"No, he's still here. Yeah. Yeah. Takeda's on his way as well... of course." Ukai doesn't stop moving his hand through Suga's hair. "I'll ask." He tips Suga's head up. "You got your meds?"

Suga nods again, gesturing at the backpack laying forlornly at his feet.

"Yeah, he's got them. You taken them today?"

"Yeah."

"He has. Yeah. Alright, see you soon— oh? Suga, he wants to talk to you."

Suga take the phone carefully. "Dai?" he rasps.

"Koushi." The breath that holds his name holds so many other painful, beautiful things, and that's all it takes for Suga to finally understand.

Daichi loves him.

"I'm on my way right now. Do you need anything?"

"Just you."

Daichi's breath catches. "Alright."

The door rings brightly and a few seconds later Takeda bustles into the storage room, dropping next to Suga and looking him over carefully.

"Takeda-sensei's here now."

"Okay. I'll probably be around in ten minutes."

"Okay. See you then."

"See you."

Suga hangs up and hands Ukai his phone. He finds himself in Takeda and Ukai's held-hand embrace for the third time and they sit there in silence until Daichi shows up, his hair blown all over the place and red-faced, as if he had sprinted. He probably had.

He settles in between Suga and Ukai and Suga immediately presses his body into Daichi's, his face hidden in his chest, breathing him in, this boy he almost lost.

He doesn't know how long they sit like that. Ukai has to get up to tend to the store, and Takeda has to leave to take care of some work, but Daichi stays, and he pulls up a video chat with Asahi and Noya, but finds that Noya shows up on Asahi's phone. "Are we interrupting something?" he lightly teases.

"Of course not!" Noya blushes.

"You're wearing Asahi's shirt," Suga giggles, wiping his eyes. "And Asahi, I can see you putting a shirt on in the reflection in your window."

Noya gapes. "How can you even—? Well, whatever. You got us. What's up?"

Suga bites his lip and looks up at Daichi. "I don't wanna say it," he says quietly. "I assume Ukai told you..?"

Daichi, out of sight, laces his fingers with Suga's. "Yamada... broke up with him."

"Oh!" Noya gasps. Asahi reenters the screen, taking a seat next to Noya on the messed-up bed. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," Suga says, snuggling closer to Daichi, feeling the way his friend's heart speeds up. "I'm better than I was, though." His eyes unfocus slightly. "Going home is going to be hell."

"Sleep over here," Noya says immediately. "You too, Daichi."

"Noya, it's a school night. You know I can never sleep enough when I'm not in my own bed," Suga says, but his heart stutters at Noya's kindness.

"Oh, yeah," Noya's face falls.

"Thank you, though," Suga says softly. "Maybe on Thursday? We have no school on Friday, right?"

"Yeah!" Noya nods vigorously. "The whole team! A giant sleepover! Oh! We can go two days in a row!"

They continue to make plans, then drift into other lighthearted conversations. Ukai checks in on them a few times, but doesn't interrupt. Suga drinks the now-flat soda. It's still cold and feels good against his sore throat.

 

Daichi walks him home. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah." Daichi starts to turn away.

Suga's heart clenches.

On a wild impulse, he grabs Daichi's arm and presses a kiss to his cheek.

Daichi freezes. Slowly, he brings his fingers up to touch his cheek. "Koushi."

Suga is just as shocked.

"...What did that mean..?"

"I don't know," Suga breathes.

Daichi rocks on his feet, then rushes forward, cups the side of Suga's face, and returns the kiss to his lips, resting their foreheads together.

"Well, you think about it," he says shakily against Suga's mouth.

This time Suga lets him walk away.

He floats through dinner in a haze. These feelings fighting for recognition deep in his stomach... they're real, right?

They're not just a rebound from Kaoru, right?

 

Suga's dreams that night are filled with visions of him chasing after a boy with short, dark hair and toned muscles that flex as he runs from Suga, slipping away as soon as Suga gets close.

Suga reaches out, puts on a burst of speed, and brushes the boy's neck.

He bursts into a brilliant shower of sky blue and deep purple butterflies, with splashes of sunset and a myriad of stars, and Suga drowns.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this break-up scene is what the whole fic is based on. It's what I went through with my first girlfriend about two-three weeks ago. We were friends for a while, and dating just seemed like the logical next step. But as it turns out, after just over ten month of dating, she realized she wasn't attracted to girls at all (side note: I am not a girl, I'm agender, but she doesn't know that) and she had already found a boyfriend before she broke up with me.
> 
> This fic is my way of coping with feeling like I had been led on the entire time. Not a good time for me. If you want to experiment with your sexuality, that's great! I encourage you. But you need to make sure your partner knows that that's what's up. I was honestly in love with her, I can say that without a doubt. I wasn't looking to be treated like a science experiment that you can dump down the sink if it doesn't work.
> 
> If you have ever gone through or are going through something like this, I hope you too can find something to make you feel better. It sucks. Do your best to find the things that make you happy and get rid of the things that make you sad. And if you can't do that, then do your best to stay strong. Accept happiness when it comes to you. You deserve to be happy, okay?
> 
> Thank you for staying with me so far! Let's see where this story goes next!


	7. Begin again

They're careful around each other, but they have to be.

Daichi doesn't know if he'll falter when Suga gets too close, and kiss his soft lips again.

Suga doesn't know if he'll stumble when Daichi leans in too far, and grab his arm to close the distance again.

Suga feels like he's walking on eggshells until Thursday arrives, and he's off to Daichi's house for the sleepover. He has the biggest house, and they are hosting the entire team, including the managers— plus, for some reason, Kuroo and Kenma from Nekoma. Suga thinks Hinata only invited Kenma, and Kuroo just tagged along, but he isn't sure. He's been too preoccupied with what will inevitably come out during a late-night talk— "so, how're you and Kaoru?"

He rings the doorbell, nervously adjusting his backpack of extra clothes and toiletries over his shoulder. Yamaguchi swings the door open and beckons him in with a huge grin. "Suga-san's heeere!" he calls and dashes towards the living room, where half the team is already playing some sort of card game. Noya is sitting in Asahi's lap, giggling and pointing at his cards, and no one seems to care at all. Suga feels a certain rush of affection towards his teammates and their open-mindedness.

"Where should I put my stuff?" Suga asks.

Daichi glances at his cards, sighs, throws one down without really looking at it, and stands up with a warm smile. "We'll all be spread out in here tonight, but for now you can put it in my room."

He starts to lead Suga away, even though he already knows exactly where Daichi's room is. Suga knows that look on his face— Daichi is dying to say something right now.

The kiss.

Suga's stomach flips.

They reach his room in about four seconds. It's got pale blue walls and volleyball posters taped haphazardly around his desk and bed, which is, as always, unmade. Suga drops his backpack in the pile of various overnight bags against the wall and looks expectantly at Daichi.

He clears his throat. "So..."

Suga waits.

"I know you have a hard time sleeping on the floor. If you want, you could have the bed. Or I could try to get the extra futon set up for you. Do you want that?"

Suga blinks. This wasn't what he expected. "Uh. I'll move to the bed if I can't sleep, I guess."

Daichi gives a single decisive nod. "Good, because if Kenma's spending the night, which I think they are, they're going to need the futon. Hinata said they had some spine issues or something."

"Scoliosis, right?" Suga recalls.

"Yeah, I think so." Daichi leads them out again. Suga is still a little taken aback, but he supposes that the timing for talking about their feelings for each other isn't exactly ideal.

Daichi rejoins the circle of card players—Kageyama, Hinata, Asahi and Noya, Yamaguchi, Yachi, and Kinoshita— and pats the space beside him. Suga sits next to him, shoulders brushing. If Daichi notices his flinch, he gives no indication of it.

"So what is this game?" Suga's brows furrow as he looks at Daichi's cards. Some seem to have rather vulgar words or phrases on them.

"Noya brought it," Daichi says exasperatedly.

"Cards Against Humanity, specially ordered Japanese version!" Noya crows, flinging his arms into the air. Asahi absentmindedly bats them down gently and rests his chin on Noya's head.

"Why on earth you thought this was a good idea, I have no idea," he says, frowning at his motley collection of vaguely insulting cards. "What am I even supposed to pick? They're all awful."

"That one, duh," Noya says, pointing at one. "I mean, just think. You could totally shove that—"

"How about _no_ ," Asahi clamps a hand over Noya's mouth, blushing scarlet.

Suga knows that look in Noya's eyes and predicts his next action perfectly— Noya licks an obscene stripe up Asahi's palm, and the older boy pulls it away instantly, his face the picture of horror.

Hinata gets the giggles over this, and soon Yamaguchi has joined in. Kinoshita snorts loudly and Hinata bursts into obnoxious but bright peals of laughter and promptly tips over into Kageyama's lap, whose face performs a remarkable impression of a very ripe tomato.

Suga feels them overcome him as well, the breathy little sounds bubbling up from his stomach, and he leans into Daichi as he joins in the laughter, feeling truly happy for the first time in a while.

 

Tsukishima, Tanaka, Ennoshita, and Narita join about an hour later, after they have already retired the game (Yachi, somehow, wins by a landslide) and are just fooling around as Daichi joins his mother in the kitchen to help with dinner. They have a lot of mouths to feed, after all. Suga tries to help but Daichi banishes him with that stern captain voice of his; "You're here to have fun, not work. Go relax."

Suga thinks he would be much more relaxed if Daichi were here. He doesn't know when someone is going to ask about Kaoru, and he'd be lying if he said he weren't on edge about it.

Kiyoko arrives and Daichi's mother lets her kick him out of the kitchen. She has heard enough about Kiyoko's heavenly cooking to know that she will be much more useful than eager-to-help-but-could-probably-burn-salad Daichi.

Daichi joins Suga on the beanbag chair he's curled up in, sliding to the middle and practically cuddling him. Suga's heart does somersaults, but no one bats an eye (except for Noya, who winks, because of course he would). Daichi slings an arm around Suga's shoulders and kicks their ankles lightly together. "Hey, Hinata," he calls across the room of happy chattering.

Hinata looks up from something Kageyama's showing him on his phone. "Yeah?"

"When did Kenma say they and Kuroo were going to get here?"

"Oh, they said they had something to do really quick. They should be here soon."

"Why do you keep calling Kenma 'they?'" Suga asks quietly once Hinata goes back to grinning like an idiot at whatever Kageyama's showing him.

"Kenma's... what's the word... oh, genderfluid, that was it. Sometimes they're a boy and sometimes they're neither boy nor girl. Just depends on the day, I think," Daichi fishes his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through some blog about volleyball gear. "So they've asked that we just assume it's a 'they' day and not a 'he' day, since that bothers them less if we assume that one wrong."

"I don't remember hearing about all of that."

"Ah, well," Daichi slows his scrolling. "You weren't really present that day," he says gently. "It wasn't one of your good days."

Suga lets out a small breath. "I see."

"Speaking of that." Daichi shifts so that he's face to face, and Suga can't breathe because he is _too close_. "If today starts getting to be a bad day, don't feel like you have to hide it for our sakes. Tell me or Asahi or Noya. Or anyone, really. Have you taken your meds?"

"I don't have to take them until later," Suga mutters, his throat feeling far too constricted. "After dinner. I already took my morning ones."

Daichi stares. Suga could swear he can feel the flutter of Daichi's lashes on his own cheeks. "I didn't know you had to take them more than once."

"Recent development," Suga says, shifting uncomfortably. Daichi notices, and drops the subject, but Suga notices that somewhere along the line his arm had slid down to Suga's waist. He says nothing. He doesn't trust what could come out of his mouth.

 

Kuroo and Kenma arrive just in time for dinner. Hinata greets Kenma with a very enthusiastic hug and Kuroo greets Daichi with a wink and a "hey, handsome."

Daichi just rolls his eyes.

Suga feels a twinge of discomfort at Kuroo's words, but judging by the way Kuroo constantly has his hand on the small of Kenma's back and Kenma's absolute refusal to lower the collar of their jacket and expose their neck, Suga figures he doesn't have much to worry about.

 

Kiyoko and Yachi leave at about ten, promising to return the next day. The rest of them have unanimously decided to have a massive Smash Bros tournament, and while Tanaka and Noya make valiant efforts for victory with lots of yelling and crying of "don't worry bro, I've got them— oh no shit, wrong person," Kenma ultimately crushes them all.

Suga opts out along with Tsukishima and, after about half a round, Asahi. He's never been good with video games, and he doesn't think all the extra stress would be too good for him.

After Kenma totally creams everyone, they too back out of playing any other games, choosing instead to lay flat on their back on the floor, knees tented up and arms flopped lazily above their head. Kuroo runs his fingers through their pudding-coloured hair and their eyes slowly slip shut.

By the time midnight rolls around and everyone else is slowing down, energy mostly spent, the extra futon has been pulled out and Kenma's out like a light, snoring so lightly it could have been mistaken for purring.

They change in front of each other into their sleepwear as if it were a locker room. Kuroo lifts a highly incoherent Kenma off the futon to the bathroom to get them out of their skinny jeans and returns with them wearing nothing but Kuroo's huge jacket and a pair of arguably very short boxers. There are some highly visible hickeys on their neck and collarbone.

Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at the display and Kuroo exaggeratedly wiggles his own right back at him. Yamaguchi snickers behind his hand.

They pull blankets and pillows and sleeping bags onto the floor, creating almost a sort of nest. Suga buries himself in a giant quilt with only his head poking through. He noses at Daichi's thigh. "Look, Dai. Nom nom nom. I'm a turtle."

Daichi stares for a moment, then snorts, "What the hell, Suga? Is this what you're like when you're sleep-deprived?"

"Oh, this is nothing," Suga grins. "I've been told I basically become a flirty drunk when it gets too late."

"Oh, joy," Daichi says sarcastically, but it isn't all there.

"Oh ho ho?" Kuroo turns his wiggling eyebrows to Daichi. "You sound pretty interested in flirty-turtle here."

"Shut up," Daichi snaps, pretty much confirming Kuroo's accusation. His neck starts to turn red.

Suga's ears match it.

Kuroo glances between them, gives Daichi a significant look, then turns around to join Tanaka, Noya and Ennoshita in their animated discussion of whether or not the United States of America is actually about to elect a giant racist tumbleweed as president.

The lights get switched off. Suga feels his heart start to hammer in his chest and wills it to calm down. Sure, there will be some talking during the night, that always happens at sleepovers. But he doesn't need to psych himself out for a conversation that may never happen.

Then his heart jumps for an entirely different reason as Daichi burrows beneath the quilt with him. "Is this okay?" he asks quietly, his knee brushing Suga's thigh.

Suga can only manage a strangled "mm-hm."

Daichi threads his fingers through Suga's ashen hair. "Calm down," he murmurs. "I'm not going to do anything."

 _I'm more worried about what_ I'm _going to do_ , Suga thinks, and after one breathless second, realizes he had said that out loud.

"Koushi..." Daichi blinks up at him. No one seems to be able to hear them, soft voices muffled by thick fabric. "Tomorrow. Later. We gotta talk about this."

"...okay."

Daichi shuffles closer, tipping his head way too close. "Is this okay?" Suga can feel the words hit his lips.

"Yeah."

Daichi roughly brushes his lips once, twice over Suga's before losing his nerve and pushing his face into Suga's collarbone. "I keep worrying that you're just saying that so I won't feel guilty about it."

"I'm not." Suga tips Daichi's head back up and kisses him languidly, a burning sensation trickling down his throat after each passing second that they remain lip-locked.

Someone— Noya— thumps the top of the quilt with the palm of their hand and they pull apart, startled. "We all know you're making out in there, just so you know."

Daichi sheepishly emerges from their cocoon. Suga hides his face in Daichi's tank-top clad chest, pleasantly surprised to find himself more embarrassed than panicked.

"Sweet jeezus, Sawamura, your face is _red_ ," Kuroo laughs, and the others join in lightheartedly.

"I don't know what you mean," Daichi says mulishly and pulls the covers back over his head, only prompting Hinata and Yamaguchi to giggle a little louder.

Suga muffles his own giggling in Daichi's shirt. Daichi wraps his arms around his waist. "So."

"Mm?"

"You're still okay with this, right?"

Suga pauses at the tone of Daichi's voice, and thinks hard about his answer. This reminds him of Kaoru, cuddling and and laughing and sharing warmth, but it feels so much more like home and familiarity than Kaoru ever could. Like he belongs.

Like he's...

...finally...

... _enough_.

Like he's always been so much more than enough for Sawamura Daichi.

Suga presses his lips back to Daichi's, again and again and again, and lingers long after he's stopped kissing him. If a few tears have escaped, neither point them out. "I am more than okay with this," Suga breathes.

Daichi grins from ear to ear.

And no one ever asks about Kaoru.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (￣Д￣)ﾉ They finally start gettin' their shit together. (；´Д`) My little volleybabies are growing up..! *sniffles*
> 
> Also, I suppose if I have a seperate fic about Kenma having scoliosis I should have something to connect these two fics, where Kenma realizes their genderfluidity... maybe. Lol. I make it seem like I have all the time in the world to crank out this story but boy is that ever wrong... (;_;)
> 
> But there is always time for DaiSuga!
> 
> P.S. Can you tell I am so weak for KuroKen like this is not even their team and they are here casually sleeping over like "we may be important to the story later on and we may not be. Who knows. Let's sleep in boxers that are too short and look cute as hell while doing it."


	8. Crescendo Fortissimo, Decrescendo Pianissimo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The majority of this chapter is devoted to a panic attack. At this point, skipping parts doesn't really work, so just brace yourself.

Suga, as expected, can't sleep. But Daichi's got him in a four-limbed grip, and he can't move an inch. He tries to stretch his legs, but they are so entangled with the other boy's that he fears he might kick him in the stomach.

He can, however, see about half of the room from where his head peeks out over Daichi's, and gazes tiredly at his fast-asleep teammates. Noya has abandoned his pillow and is laying completely on top of Asahi instead, the other boy anchoring him by a hand on his waist. Tanaka has somehow managed to turn himself around, so his head is where his feet used to be and his pillow is shoved awkwardly underneath his knees. Hinata has a leg swung over Kageyama's hips, and Kageyama has a hand resting unassumingly on Hinata's upper thigh. His other hand is holding Hinata's. Kenma is still making those snuffly little purr-snores in their sleep. Kuroo is curled completely around them and, if Suga isn't mistaken, has one hand shoved up Kenma's jacket, rucking it up, and one just below their hip, fingertips dangerously dipping just the tiniest bit into their boxers.

It should make Suga feel uncomfortable, or at least intrusive, but it doesn't. His mind simply wanders away again, focussing on the breathing of everyone around him, especially the rise and fall of the sturdy chest pressed up into his side. He feels his eyelids drooping and his heart rate slowing.

He falls asleep with a hint of unease— had he forgotten to do something?

 

He doesn't know what's going on. Darkness surrounds him and he can't breathe. He desperately tries to cry out for Daichi, but his lungs refuse to pull any air in. Maybe there is no air here.

He can feel the familiar sick tug of panic, low and insistent in his stomach, and without warning, voices ring out from all directions.

"Those faggot teachers turned you into a faggot too, huh?"

"They're more likely to take advantage of young boys, you know."

"Are you gonna go out and rape little boys too?"

He wants to cry, wants to let his panic out, but he can't.

"Hey, remember when Daichi stopped talking to you? That was 'cause he hated you. He still does."

"You want to fuck your best friend? Who's also a guy? God, you're _disgusting_."

"It's kinda gross. You're kinda gross. You were just an experiment."

Suga thinks he's dying. He's surely dying, and this must be hell.

"And now you're gonna treat your best friend just like Kaoru treated you, did you know that? These feelings aren't real. You're just a little slut who can't get over their first, nonexistent love."

"Slut."

"Faggot."

"Gross."

" _FAGGOT_."

 

Suga wakes up drenched in sweat, thrashing about, a silent scream wrenching his mouth open. His heart is going impossibly fast, and this is what terror feels like, and he's having an attack, and he knows what he forgot, it was his after-dinner pill, and—

He's being roughly pulled up and led away, and he stumbles and falls but his legs just get swung around a pair of hips and muscled arms hold him tight. He's lowered gently into a warm bed, surrounded by plush and a painfully familiar smell, but his breaths still come out too fast, too sharp, too shallow, and he shakes and shakes and shakes.

"Shh," someone is murmuring into his hair. Hands glide up and down his shaking arms and bowed back, pulling a blanket up and bundling him up tightly against a body whose warmth hasn't left his own yet.

He babbles incoherently into the underside of their jaw and grips angry crescents into their forearms. "Dai Dai Dai Dai don't leave you can't leave call me no no no Daichi no you can't Daichi Daichi Daichi Dai _Dai Dai Dai_ —"

"Shh, Koushi, shh. You had a nightmare, it wasn't real. I'm here. I'm real. I'm not leaving. You're here with me and I'm n-not leaving you again, Koushi."

Suga sobs in blind panic. This is the longest an attack has ever lasted, and the realization of this only worsens it. He opens his mouth and shattered pieces of a borderline-shrieking wail escape in frantic bursts from his heaving lungs.

"Koushi, Koushi, please calm down," Daichi begs. "You're okay, it's all okay. I'm here. Focus on me, Koushi. K-Koushi! _Koushi_!" In a fever of desperation, he presses his lips firmly against Suga's and seals them off.

Suga chokes, but his wailing stops immediately. Daichi moves insistently against him, wrapping his arms and legs around him once more.

Here.

Daichi is here.

This is reality and Daichi is here.

Suga pulls away with a gasp. His panic starts slowly dripping away. Coming down from his high, he sees the crazed look in Daichi's eyes, surpassing worry and filled instead with sickly, fever-pitched fear.

"Dai," he whimpers, then his head whips around at the sound of shuffling by the door. Noya and Asahi are at the forefront, with the rest of the team and Kuroo and Kenma behind them. Their eyes are filled with a mixture of hesitation and fear of their own.

"Sorry," Suga chokes, squeezing his eyes shut.

Noya just shakes his head and tugs Asahi over to the bed to sit on the edge. "Alright, Suga," he says quietly, voice definitely shaky. "What's going on?"

"Noya—" Daichi begins, but Suga cuts him off by abruptly sitting up.

"It's okay."

"Kou—"

"Dai, I can't keep it in anymore. Look at what it's done to me..."

"We can leave if you want," Kuroo says hastily as the rest of the team files in to squeeze onto the bed and spill onto the floor, gesturing between himself and Kenma.

"I don't care if you stay or not."

Kuroo hesitates before Kenma gently pulls on his sweatpants and leads him to the floor by the head of the bed.

Suga takes a deep breath.

Daichi takes his hand.

And everything— his meetings with Ukai and Takeda, his complications and eventual breakup with Kaoru, his hateful mother, his steep mental decline, his feelings for Daichi, the forgotten pill— tumbles out of his lips until his voice goes hoarse from panic and overuse. Everything.

The room is deathly silent.

Hinata is the first to move, stumbling up to Suga and pulling him into a tight hug. Kageyama follows. Then Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Asahi, Noya, Ennoshita, _everyone_ crowds around him and whispers to Suga the sweetest things he has ever heard.

"Suga, you're beautiful."

"I don't know where any of us would be without you."

"We love you."

"You're not disgusting."

"You are really brave for telling us all about this."

"You're strong."

"We love you."

"We've got you, Suga."

"We love you."

We love you, we love you, we love you.

Suga cries.

  
"I love you, Koushi."

This is said much later, when everyone but Daichi has traipsed back to the living room to fall dead asleep once more, when they are buried beneath blankets and tangled up in each other again.

"I..." Suga breathes in slowly. "Love you so much I don't know what to do with it all. God, how are you so perfect?" He realizes his words, while truthful, are sleepily delirious, but he doesn't really care.

"I could ask you that myself."

"What? Dai, don't be stupid. Were you even there an hour ago when I—"

"Showed the biggest display of bravery I have ever seen?"

Suga blinks. His lashes brush against Daichi's chin. "Dai..."

"I don't care how many problems you have. I don't care how many times I have to bring you down from an attack, I don't care how many times you cry on me, I don't care at all. I love you, Koushi. You are the most beautiful, most caring, most perfect person I have ever met and I love you so much." Daichi's voice cracks, and he presses a tiny kiss to Suga's forehead. "And we're gonna get you through this. You're... you're worth the entire world to me."

_You are far more than good enough._

"I...I..." Suga falters. "Oh, Dai..." He grabs the sides of Daichi's head and pulls him into a swift, furious kiss. "God, Dai, I love you, I love you I love you I love you." He peppers Daichi's face in tiny pecks until Daichi is able to pull Suga on top of him and nudge him into a slow, deep kiss, mouths falling open and tongues pressing together. Daichi runs his hand through Suga's hair and Suga grips Daichi's hips as it heats up.

Daichi's mouth moves to his neck, sucking softly. Suga stutters out a moan and reluctantly pulls Daichi away by his short hair. "Dai, _Dai_ , not now."

"Mm." Daichi returns to Suga's lips and continues lazily flicking his tongue against Suga's. Suga is too overwhelmed, too spent for this.

" _Daichi_ ," he says more forcefully, and Daichi falls back.

"Sorry," he says, a little embarrassed.

"Plenty of time for that later," Suga says as he settles beside him again.

"Oh, really?"

"Really." He closes his eyes. "I really really love you," he mumbles before becoming dead to the world, breath slowing and taut muscles finally relaxing.

"I really really love you too, Koushi."

 

He can't remember the last time he woke up so refreshed. It's three in the afternoon and Daichi is still with him, sitting up and reading something on his phone. Suga shifts sluggishly.

"Hey, gorgeous," Daichi grins.

"Hey," Suga says, draping himself over Daichi's shoulder. Then he sees Daichi's wallpaper. He rolls his eyes. "Daichi, you are so tasteless," he huffs.

"What?" Daichi says defensively. "You look cute when you're asleep."

"I look like a zombie."

"Well, I'll just have to get a better picture someday." Daichi pecks him on the cheek, just below his mole.

Suga hides his ridiculous smile in Daichi's neck. "Yeah."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be another chapter or two after this, or I might go right to an epilogue. We'll see. Thank you very much for reading until the end! This was certainly an interesting experience, writing this. Special thanks to everyone who took the time to comment :) You guys are amazing.


	9. New beginnings

They sit tensely in front of the television, a motley group of college students in baggy sweatpants and t-shirts, boxer shorts and swapped hoodies, pajamas from their giant get-together/sleepover the night before.

Daichi and Suga sit squished up against each other on their beat-up couch. It's their dorm room, well-loved and full of the scent of cinnamon and fresh air, and almost the entire Karasuno team is packed into the warm living room, plus a few more— Hinata and Kageyama are also on the couch, practically on top of each other; Kenma is next to Hinata, gripping the arm of the couch; Kuroo is sitting on the floor between Kenma's legs with both Bokuto and Akaashi— recent additions to their giant friend group and not-exactly-recent additions to his and Kenma's decidedly polyamorous relationship— resting their heads in his lap; Asahi had pulled up a kitchen chair and Noya is sitting in his lap as usual; Tsukishima returns hastily from the bathroom and takes his seat next to Yamaguchi on the floor, praying he hadn't missed anything.

Suga intertwines his fingers with Daichi's and squeezes tight. Daichi glances at him and gives him a tight smile before gluing his eyes back on the television screen.

A loud knock resounds and Suga yells, "Door's open!" even though Kiyoko and Yachi have already bustled in, shucking their coats off and practically flinging their shoes away in their rush to join the group huddled in quietly tense apprehension.

"Any updates on their decision?" Kiyoko asks.

"It should be any minute now," Hinata answers, practically vibrating with nerves and impatience.

They wait. The giant crowd on the television screen waits with them. Hinata becomes too restless and has to extricate himself from the couch to shake out his limbs and pace behind the couch, still paying attention to the television like his life depends on it.

It does, in a way.

 _What if it doesn't pass?_ The thought has repeated itself a thousand times in Suga's head the last half hour, and thousands more since he heard it was being discussed a few weeks before.

Kenma grunts and joins Hinata behind the couch, dancing around lightly to try and relieve some of their tension. The announcement almost all the rest are waiting so on edge for doesn't affect Kenma directly, but they still can't stand the thickness of the air in the room, electric and breathless.

A very official-looking man ascends to the podium and the entire room sucks in a breath.

He clears his throat and looks up with a small grin on his face.

Suga's heart beats so loudly, everyone must be able to hear it. He is focussing on the television so hard it almost hurts. The man opens his mouth and Suga forgets how to breathe.

"The city of Tokyo now recognizes same-sex marriages as it would any other marriage. Congratulations."

The room _explodes_ with sound.

Daichi launches himself off the couch and swoops Suga into his arms, laughing loudly and spinning him around. Suga clutches at his ratty t-shirt for dear life and laughs too. He starts crying with pure, giddy happiness after about the third swing around, and Daichi wastes no time in joining him.

Hinata has leapt into Kageyama's arms, knees wrapped soundly around his waist, kissing him furiously while tears and snot run down his face; Asahi is ugly-crying as well into Noya's shoulder, while the smaller man looks like he is barely containing himself from rocketing all over the room in his frenzied joy; Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are simply hugging, still sitting on the floor, clutching tightly to each other's shirts and murmuring things into each other's ears, sobbing quietly.

Kiyoko silently gets up and retrieves her coat from its abandonment on the floor in front of the door and returns to Yachi, lightly touching her wrist. Her other hand digs into the jacket pocket. Yachi gasps.

The others pick up on the new mood and turn their attention to the little black box in Kiyoko's palm. She flips it open, tears of her own slipping out, and presents the simple silver band to the trembling blonde girl in front of her.

"It's a promise ring," she says, wobbly. "For when we get old enough. Will you accept it?"

"OF _COURSE_ OH MY _GOD_ KIYOKO YES YES _YES_ —" Yachi screeches and knocks Kiyoko onto her back, squeezing the life out of her and bursting into tears.

Everyone cheers and cries and kisses some more. They stay that way, all tangled up in each other and so happy this must surely be some cruel dream. But it isn't.

Suga feels like his heart is going to burst. He can hardly believe it— the promise ring on his own finger is warm against Daichi's palm.

Looks like they won't have to go to America after all.

They have begun to calm down after about twenty minutes, Kuroo and Bokuto profusely congratulating all the couples in the room while Kenma and Akaashi can't stop smiling at the overflow of euphoria, the deafening jubilation of their dearest friends affecting even their usually stoic expressions.

Kuroo invites himself into Suga and Daichi's fridge and digs out three buckets of ice-cream while Bokuto grabs two handfuls of spoons and tosses them to everyone. They don't bother with bowls, opting instead to scoop straight from the tub, passing them around every once in a while so everyone can have a taste of each. They settle back into their original seats but this time are happily deflated, completely spent from such intense celebration. The television has begun to interview some equally tearful and overjoyed crowd members as they attempt to give words their indescribable exhilaration. Suga lets it all wash over him, feeling the most content he's ever felt in years.

When he and Daichi first officially started dating, he would never have dreamed that he would be capable of loving someone just as intensely as he had at the beginning of their relationship for as long as he has— three years. Three long years, not without their bumps in the road, not without their fights, and certainly not without more panic attacks. But Daichi absolutely refuses to leave him, even after their infamous Big Fight in their first year of college, which turned out to be mostly caused by the accumulated insecurities that Kaoru had left Suga riddled with, and ultimately only brought Suga and Daichi even closer, as the ring on his finger proudly boasts.

The overall excitement has died down to a peaceful quiet as they eat their way through the ice cream at a rather alarming pace. Suga looks around. "Where's the remote? Looks like they're going to move on soon."

Kenma tosses it to him and Suga deftly catches it, barely looking at it— the result of years of volleyball even after he had left Karasuno. "Wait," they say hastily. "I wanna see all the way until the end."

"Of course," Suga says, setting the remote on his thigh and turning his attention back to the television, where a new announcer is excitedly gesturing to the building behind her.

"Looks like not even an hour after it's been legalized, we already have a brand-new marriage between—"

Half the room suddenly gasps and Noya and Hinata squawk loudly as coach Ukai emerges from the building, hand clasped with Takeda's. The shorter man has a huge grin on his face, practically glowing. Ukai takes one look at it and sheepishly runs a hand through his bleached hair. It's even longer now and is tied in a neat ponytail. He looks younger, but it may just be because of the slow smile that's emerging as he waves to the crowd, eyes crinkling up to match his new husband's.

Suga, to be honest, can't actually remember a whole lot after that. It's a blur, but a good blur this time, where he is just so _happy_ for so long that everything blends together in one big ball of paradise.

It's still going to be an uphill battle for them. One city won't win over everyone, not even an entire country will win over everyone. Some people simply won't change, and they will have to deal with that their entire lives.

But it's a step. It's a step in the right direction and Suga is going to hold onto this moment for as long as he can. He hopes to see the day where the country he loves will accept him no matter where he is in it, but for now, this is enough.

Hours pass. No one feels like leaving, so they order pizza and pop in a cheesy movie and laugh and cry a little bit more. The others leave to shower and change clothes and tend to a few things, but everyone, even Kiyoko and Yachi, returns to stay another night.

They talk about everything and nothing, not even bothering with individual bedding set-ups like they used to back in high school, when they worried about who would judge them and who would care that they chose to share blankets in a more-than-friendly way with a teammate. Now no one gives a single fuck and the only thing remotely close to judging is the teasing of cuddling positions, especially of Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo, and Kenma's pile of limbs.

It's about two in the morning when Kenma abruptly sits up, trembling, phone slack in their hand.

"What's up, kitten?" Kuroo lifts himself onto his elbow concernedly. Akaashi owlishly blinks his eyes and absentmindedly pats Kenma's back as he yawns, sluggishly sits up, and peers at the screen.

His eyes widen as he reads the blaring headline. He frantically shakes Bokuto awake. "Bo!" he hisses.

Now Kuroo is definitely wide awake and very, very worried. "What's going on?" The tone of his voice alerts the rest of the half-asleep couples to the tension in their corner of the room.

He and Bokuto read the screen as well. Bokuto's jaw falls slack and Kuroo looks like he's about to cry.

Suga's maternal instincts flare up. He drags himself to his knees. "Is everything alright over there? Did something bad happen?"

"I must be dreaming," Kuroo says, utterly dazed. He turns his gaze to the rest of them. "They just legalized polyamorous marriage in Canada like, ten minutes ago."

Kenma lifts their head up. "It includes non binary people too."

Bokuto pinches Kuroo. "Ow, what the fuck, Bo?"

"You're not dreaming," he says hoarsely, and Akaashi bursts into tears.

Their throats hurt from their earlier clamoring and they are dead tired, but every person in the room manages to clamber over to the four in the corner and drag each other into a giant group hug. Now Kuroo and Bokuto have joined in the crying, and even Kenma is sniffling and swiping at their eyes.

"Dude, Daichi, I think your boyfriend just fell asleep on me," Kuroo hiccups after a while, giving the man snoring on his shoulder an affectionately watery grin.

"Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, and Yachi are asleep as well," Kiyoko informs them, gazing fondly at the small pile of sleeping first-years, nearly tangling together at the foot of the blankets.

"Let's just all sleep over here then," Noya yawns, plodding over to drag his and Asahi's blankets over. "Like a nest of crows or something," he grins.

And so they do.

Daichi pries Suga off of Kuroo and settles down with his back pressed against Kuroo's and Yamaguchi's head resting against his calf. The sound of his slowly-breathing friends lulls him to sleep, but he fights against its sweet embrace for just a moment longer to pull Suga close. He kisses the mole beneath his eye and Suga smiles in his sleep.

Daichi falls asleep mirroring him.

 

_Five years later_

 

Suga wakes up to the smell of coffee and pancakes. He yawns and stretches lazily, feeling the slide of the quilt against his bare chest. His hips ache with new fingertip-shaped bruises, but that's hardly anything new. They've been cropping up for almost eight years, after all, and he loves them just as much as he did after their very first time in the summer after their third year of high school.

He hunts down some sweatpants and a sweater and pretends to not notice that neither are his. They smell like black coffee and pine trees and a little bit of sweat. They smell like home, like a warm hug, like _Daichi_.

The ring on his finger glitters gold in the early morning sun filtering through their bedroom window.

Daichi is at the stove, flipping pancakes in nothing but sweatpants, and Suga pretends to not notice that they aren't his own either. He wraps his arms around his husband's waist and presses his face into his shoulder, both men enjoying the clarity and quiet of the sunny spring morning.

"Ready to go cry for a couple hours as yet another one of us ties the knot in Tokyo?" Daichi asks, slipping his fingers between Suga's.

"I'm always ready," Suga says firmly, not even bothering to deny the crying part, and Daichi chuckles, the low sound rumbling against Suga's own chest. "Those four are supposed to be flying back in today, right?"

"No, they arrived last night." Daichi tips the pancakes onto a plate and they head to the table. "Kuroo texted me at about one in the morning, and also sent a very questionable photo of the four of them in their hotel room."

Suga blinks, his mind not quite firing enough electrons at such an early hour.

"In one bed, with not a lot of clothing on," Daichi elaborates.

Suga snorts and rolls his eyes. "That man has no shame," he shakes his head, but an endearing smile quirks his lips. He pours some syrup to the side and digs into the food, sighing happily. Daichi has gotten so much better at cooking after they moved into their own apartment, a little bit out from Tokyo, but plenty close.

They finish breakfast and shower together, not to continue last night's activities, but simply because they can.

They board the train about an hour later, hands clasped the entire walk there, suits folded and draped neatly over their free arms in their plastic sleeves. It is much less crowded than usual, so Suga and Daichi are able to sit down and watch the scenery flash by outside the windows. Suga rests his head on Daichi's shoulder, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"I never thought Tadashi would be the one to propose," he says, still a little sleepy.

"I wasn't surprised at all. Kid's been in love with Kei since the day he met him."

"He's hardly a kid anymore, Dai."

"No, they're still our kids!" Daichi fake-whines. "They'll always be sweet little kids, how could they ever grow up and fall in love? I won't allow it!"

"Jeez, Dai, they don't _really_ think we're their parents," Suga teases.

Daichi grins. "Oh yeah, speaking of that, Keishin and Ittestu are going to be there, and they decided to bring the twins after all."

Suga's whole face lights up. "They're bringing the babies? Oh my god, I get to see the babies!" He giggles gleefully. "Ohh, I want a baby someday."

"I know." Daichi ruffles his ash-grey hair and presses a gentle smile to his temple. "We'll get one someday."

"Yeah," Suga says wistfully. "I can't believe those four have actually managed to go through with the adoption. Just a few more months right?"

"Yeah, two more months, I think. Kenma and Keiji had to have handled most of it though. Bo and Kuro may have mellowed out a bit, but they're still Bo and Kuro."

"That's a good thing though, all things considered. You know..." Suga watches the blur outside the window for a moment. "I'm really happy to be here with all of you. Especially you, Dai." He looks his husband right in the eyes. "I really really love you, Daichi."

Daichi exhales, smiling softly. His tucks his arm snugly around Suga's waist and lets the warmth of his body flow to his own.

"I really really love you too, Koushi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it, folks. I really loved writing this last chapter. Actually, I loved writing the whole thing.
> 
> I wrote this fic because I wanted to explore my own feelings and experiences with anxiety and awful break-ups. Even if it didn't exactly match up to how Suga ended up experiencing them, I do think it was a good idea to go through with writing the whole thing and get my feelings out this way. I would recommend it to anyone struggling with putting your feelings into words. Sometimes if you just start writing, anything at all works really, you can surprise yourself by how much you can learn about your own feelings.
> 
> And did you know, I was actually able to find my Daichi, in a close friend. Certainly not in the same way, and without any drama or angst, lol. But it IS possible. And if you ever feel like you will never be loved by anyone because of what you went through in a previous relationship, don't give up! It may take you a long time, years or even decades maybe, to find someone who is willing to accept you for you and not for your past relationship(s).
> 
> My girlfriend now is so much more supportive and open than my ex, I can hardly believe it. When I asked her out and she immediately said yes, I almost managed to convince myself that it had been a dream. But it wasn't, and I now am very happy to be with someone who not only accepts me for being agender, but is also proud of it. And that sort of trust and pride is a lot different from my ex. Even though I am not yet in love with my current girlfriend like I was with my ex, I am already so much happier and have so much more support with her. I can't believe it.
> 
> If you are still looking for your Daichi, I am rooting for you! You will find them someday as long as you don't completely give up. It's okay to feel hopeless or sad or lonely, but hold on to whatever hope and happiness that you can.
> 
> It gets better, I promise.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


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